Written by Ben Gibbs
One of the ways we identify a healthy and close relationship in our research is by exploring the extent to which a person feels able to communicate directly with another. Greater directness involves opportunities to encounter the other person, through face-to-face discussions rather than email, or over a shared lunch rather than sandwiches eaten amidst the distractions of a desk. These encounters lead to a sense of connection with the other and, if we’re talking about work colleagues, enable clarity rather than the kind of misunderstanding and confusion that inhibits performance.
The directness required for creating connection has obviously been a challenge this year as we use technology to mediate and schedule what were face-to-face and informal relationships. But is it possible to be mindful about creating opportunities for encounter if one is aware of its importance? And if so, what are the secrets? While thinking about this, I was delighted to read a heartwarming blog from IDEO, the global human-centred design company, on their recent project to help locked-down children build empathy by linking them up as pen-pals with isolated and lonely seniors. In designing The Department of Super Secrets, IDEO decided not to compensate for the constraints of lockdown but rather to build them into the core of the experience. So neither the child or adult in each pair knew anything about the other… no age, no gender, no ethnic or marital status. The only thing they knew was their pen-pal’s super-hero alias. As they put it, “Instead, this would simply be two human beings building a connection by sharing stories of their hopes and fears. A relationship built on meaning rather than appearance.” During the project, the pairs were prompted to share secrets about their character, values and feelings – crucially – in written form and by snail mail, not email. The handwritten words and pictures thereby took the form of a gift containing the anonymous sender’s vulnerability and time, of which the recipient became a caretaker. You can read about the rest of this beautiful experiment yourself via the above link, but the point is … it worked! It dramatically increased the participants ability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. But how? And what can the rest of us learn?
Firstly, the fact that neither person in each pair knew anything about the other meant there were no preconceptions about difference; no basis for assumption; no grounds for bias. In fact, it meant more than this. It meant that one could imagine the other to be exactly the person they needed right then, at that moment. Secondly, by avoiding the awkward formality of introductions, these correspondents were able to get straight to sharing the things that they (and all humans) have in common – happiness, desire, grief, sadness, jealousy, joy, hope, loss, love. Thirdly, the fact they were posing as superheroes with names like the Marvellous Museum Maven, Super Potato and the Fantastic Fixer, and that they were engaging in playful exchanges about embarrassing moments, meant they felt safe to be brave and share their anxieties, as well as hopes and aspirations. Play is a wonderful leveller.
As communities and organisations around the world grapple with the problems causes by social division on the basis of race, politics, economics, gender, etc, I wonder what we can learn from IDEO’s simple experiment to build bridges between children and pensioners?
